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Trusting Myself

In the early days after the separation, my mind was overcome by the constant changes, forgetful, and cluttered with fear. My body was feverish, sleep-deprived, and hungry. Every day was a fight to maintain what I had left, and things just kept falling apart. But in the midst of it all, my spirit took over.

I don’t know how long she was gone – 6 months? A year? Two years? When did my heart start breaking and when did I decide to ignore it? But honestly, I can go even further back than that. I question whether there ever was a point in my life when I wasn’t sacrificing my desires to be in total service to others.

It wasn’t until things fell apart that I realized the solid ground I thought was beneath me was just a thin layer of earth, that its crumbling was inevitable, regardless of how lightly I tried to stand on top of it. What I didn’t expect was that when that earth gave way, beneath it would be a beautiful world, the world where my spirit was hiding, and she could finally step out into the sun.

She started making the decisions, and my mind and my body were too weak to fight her on most of them. She led me to take my marketing agency full-time. She led me to publish my first book. She led me to a new home and a new community. In the care of my spirit, my body has rested and my mind has healed. There is no more fight or fever.

I don’t know if I’ve ever felt such satisfaction with my life as I do right now, or if I’ve ever been this much at ease, and yet, a part of me can’t help but wonder if it’s all going to fall apart again. I’m waiting for the other metaphorical shoe to drop. It’s so hard for me to say that my life is good, that I am good, without also admitting that it can sometimes feel fleeting, like I have to hold onto this goodness for as long as possible before it leaves me again.

But what I need to remember in these moments of fear is that my spirit is the one who built this life, and she built it on solid ground. She has guided me this far for this long, and I know I can trust her… because she is me.


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