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Mother's Day & Roe v. Wade

This Mother's Day was a conflicted one. I am not a mother. Yet there is an intense pressure, an almost gravitational force, pushing me toward it.

I say, "I'm not ready," and they say, "you'll never be ready."

I say, "but the state of the world is such shit," and they say, "it's always been shit."

The problem is that I don't have such wisdom, the kind of wisdom that tells me it will all work out. In my short life, I've seen a lot of things that haven't worked out. And I'm not sure I can intentionally bring a child into the world just so she can see it all too.

So when the cashier at Walmart did a double take at me last week and added "...and have a Happy Mothers Day" to her send off, all I could respond with was an awkward "thanks" because I didn't know what else to do. Because I didn't want to tell her she was wrong in assuming such a thing about me. Because motherhood is an honor. Because I do actually want to be a mom.

But it also seems like it's inevitable, even though it's absolutely not. I still have a choice, don't I? And then the news hits about Roe v Wade, and I know my state is going to be one of the first to take rights away from women if it's overturned, and I'm reminded that it's actually not much of a choice for any of us, is it?

Society wants us to have kids. Whether that pressure is coming from the goverment or the cashier at the grocery store, everyone just expects it. But how can I look my daughter in the eye and tell her that I saw it all burn (her rights, the planet, everything, etc.), and I still chose to bring her into it?

I am not okay with believing everything is going to be okay. Not this time. But I don't know what the best thing to do is. Do I protest? Do I strike? Do I post these words and hope they resonate?

I feel silly for being this angry.

Oh how easy it is for a woman to dismiss her own feelings.

The only truth here is that any decision I do or do not make right now has deeply personal implications for me and my future child. No matter what I do someone will be hurt, and I have to shoulder that, and that is the perfect summation of what I think it means to be a woman... to be a mother. We carry it all.


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